


Feeling Old

by dokidokiharahara (anewkindofthrill)



Category: Block B
Genre: Angst, Falling In Love, Growing Up, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-24
Updated: 2015-03-24
Packaged: 2018-03-19 11:06:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3607851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anewkindofthrill/pseuds/dokidokiharahara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You're not here, and how the fuck am I supposed to stay here without you?" Park Kyung and Jiho change, but are still looking for each other's selves from the past. Their relationship changes - drastically.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feeling Old

_They aren't kids anymore._

It's such a weird thought, but true nontheless. Kyung had been invited to the Fashion Week show as well, but he has stayed at home... Which means, at the dorm. Nowadays, he has got two places he called 'home', the dorm and Jiho's place, but Jiho's place is too often too empty, even when its true owner is at home as well. Since they had been back from Europe, he's been staying at the dorm with Jihoon and Jaehyo. It doesn't feel half as empty as the hotel rooms in Europe did, the ones he was supposed to be sharing with Jiho, the ones he was always lonely in.

He watches Zico's performance from the Fashion Week show on his phone in the living room, _Well Done indeed_ , and he bitterly laughs at the ridiculous outfit.

They haven't spoken for four days now.

Mino comes over, asks Kyung if he wants to join him and Jihoon, they're gonna go out, but Kyung declines (again). He actually feels too old to be getting drunk too often, and he wonders if this change has happened during the course of a year - Mino and Jihoon are only one year younger, was he like that, too, with Jiho? Only twelve months ago?

Jiho's happy face flashes up in his memories, happiness he poured into HER, back from last year.

_"Bet I can drink at least two shots more than you!"_

They still were kids back then, it is so weird. His face didn't get all puffy and red after drinking too much then, and Jiho didn't have to throw up all night.

Kyung wonders what happened.

He misses himself from last year. Misses Jiho even more.

______________

They are back at the studio, only Kyung and Jiho. Taeil is recording his solo single in another studio, letting another producer mix and sample it, and Kyung actually doesn't wonder why. Taeil is a wonderful singer, both blessed with talent and hard-working, but his work ethics and personality don't mix well with Jiho's at all. Taeil sees the studio as a hostile place, with its hostile owner, Producer Zico. When Jiho isn't in recording-mode, Taeil and he are very good friends, but as soon as Zico becomes demanding, tiring, annoying, Taeil hates it.

Lately, Jiho behaves like that a lot. He stresses over every little thing, but that would usually be okay. Kyung would catch him while falling into his spiral of dark thoughts and self-destructive emotions, and Jiho would emerge safely and soundly, full of creativity and energy.

But now, Kyung is tired, too.

Both of them have written many songs, and Kyung is shocked at the realization that his songs are actually... better. No, not better, but more fitting for Block B. He took all of the energy he usually uses to catch Jiho in his frenzy to actually write songs he really loved, and they turned out wonderful, whereas Jiho...

"Kyung, your songs sound like the same old, I think we should go new ways."

Jiho's songs lack energy, lack positivity. They are good, definitely, but they are not _Block B._ They lack youth.

"Don't you think we should go new ways with our concept, but still write songs that keep our fans entertained and happy?"

"But it is our music, we should put into it what we are."

Kyung's eyes narrow. "You mean, what _you_ are."

Back when they were kids, the most fun Kyung ever had was when he was in the studio with Jiho. He always let Jiho take the lead, it felt natural, he accepted Jiho as his superior when it came to talent and working hard. He supported Jiho with everything he had, and yet they always had a blast, fun times, because they created fun music together. Jiho would always grin during composing, always ask Kyung about how he liked this part and those lyrics.

They would swear to each other to become idols, but to stay themselves. scrawny kids who liked rap because it was _fun,_ Jiho with his (admittedly not very well cared of) dreads and Kyung with short hair, bare-faced, grinning like a mad man.

Now Kyung can't even see Jiho stare him down, because his

_(former?)_

best friend wears his sunglasses in the dark studio

_(like the pretentious twat he is),_

yet Kyung still lifts his

_(surgically improved)_

chin in defiance.

"Are you saying I'm not doing this for the team but for myself?" Jiho asks, his voice silent and cold. He hasn't shouted for months. Hasn't been openly passionate for what feels like decades for Kyung.

(Are they only a bit more than two decades old? Kyung feels old. So old.)

"Look around yourself, _leader_. No one is currently interested in doing this but me, I guess because I'm fucking pathetic and still want to support you in your choices. Taeil is doing his thing, Yukwon and Minhyuk are doing their drama, Jihoon is out partying every night and Jaehyo is god knows where. We always used to do this together, but now everyone is gone. And you know why? Because you have left first."

Kyung wonders when exactly that happened. It was between Tough Cookie and Well Done - everyone has been so excited and happy for Jiho when he released Tough Cookie, but that has changed somewhere in between. Jiho started to work more, he moved out of the dorm for good, didn't call or check in anymore. There were weeks he didn't even text Kyung. He's never stopped attending every scheduled appointment for Block B, but they weren't going out anymore at night, Jiho didn't storm in excitedly into the living room anymore because he thought of some new tune, found some new song on the internet, found some new anime to watch.

Jiho finally takes off that stupid pair of designer sunglasses. He sits there, cross-legged, still cold as ice. He got what Kyung wanted to say right away.

(At least that hasn't changed, Kyung has the time to think, and he feel tears crawling up his throat.)

"So what about you? Where are you, Park Kyung? Whose face even is this? Because I have no idea. You are not here anymore, here when I need you the most. When I come home - to my place - and you're there, it still feels empty. You look into the mirror, searching for someone who isn't there, and creating someone new instead. Working yourself up over the fact that you don't write down the music you have in your head, that you aren't attending the top uni you could attend, you only ever see the idol, not the artist, not the genius. It sucks. You're not here, and how the fuck am I supposed to stay here without you?"

The words hit Kyung hard because they are true. Jiho has left, but so has he. Maybe even before Jiho. Maybe because he was jealous. Maybe because he was hopeless.

He is jealous. He is hopeless. He's so bitter about it.

His chin drops, and he looks into Jiho's eyes. He sits on the couch, Jiho on his chair, so Jiho practically hovers over him, crossed arms and legs, accusingly. Kyung feels like he wants to rip off his face, and he wonders if he hasn't already done this. He hates that Jiho is getting to be right again, that Jiho is always his superior, look at him, sitting there all high and mighty and

"Kyunggie, I can't do this without you, I never could."

______________

It should be childish, it should be irresponsible, just like Jiho and Kyung, who should kids, who aren't supposed to grow up.

They're pretending, playing at Peter Pan. They have left messages, they have completed their schedules, it just happens to be that week in which nothing is scheduled because they were supposed to write new songs.

They do write songs, but not as they used to. They do it the adult way.

Jiho and Kyung run off

_(booked a flight and a hotel after asking the CEO)_

to another country, hold hands on the plane, hold onto each other in bed. The hotel room starts feeling less empty with every touch that is supposed to bring back the other one, with every kiss that promises _I'm still Kyung, I'm still Jiho_.

Well Done is still going strong. Well Done is still something Park Kyung didn't take part in the slightest.

They look into Kyung's new songs, and late at night, when he thinks Jiho is catching up three months' worth of sleep, Kyung works on them alone, he doesn't tell Jiho.

Jiho is awake during those nights.

The hotel room starts to feel less empty, but it's not the old laughter, energy or mischievousness that fills it up.

______________

It's the first time in two years they have sex with each other.

They have never really been romantically involved with each other; they were best friends, and when they needed it, they fucked. Most of the times it was either very rough or very playful. Then the workload got bigger, the tasks got harder, the scandals hit them hard. During their year-long hiatus Jiho and Kyung lived together, but they didn't touch each other - too many emotions were involved, and they needed their best friend more than their fuck buddy.

They changed a lot during that year. And the year after.

So when Jiho lies down next to Kyung after coming back to the hotel room from their sight-seeing trip in a city in which they're not idols but tourists, when he rests his head on Kyung's shoulder and lets his hands glide up between Kyung's shirt and bare skin, Kyung thinks about swatting him away for a moment, assuming Jiho wants to revive their game once again.

But then he looks down and sees it, realizes for the first time that no matter how much they want to get back each other's old selves, they won't. The man looking up to him, stroking his belly, his chest, isn't the boy with the dirty dreads and the guwaffing laugh from back then. The man asking for warmth and touch is so much colder, so much more earnest. The hand doesn't even feel as familiar as it should; it's almost timid, not taking what it wants, but wondering, pleading.

Kyung must seem the same way to Jiho when he doesn't just lie down and enjoy Jiho having his way with him (like he used to), but rolls both of them around and settles on his

_(definitely not anymore)_

best friend's lap. He takes the hand that has just been carressing his skin, and looks at it in lazy wonder before kissing the tips of its fingers softly. Jiho, the adult, watches, his face so much softer than during their younger years, yet the eyes so much colder. Whereas he used to try to look like he's got broad shoulders back then, he is hiding them, now that they've finally grown, under cute pink sweaters and slick black coats. Kyung buries his other hand in blond hair, soft to the touch after having been slicked up with oil, so that the bleach damaging can't be seen or felt. So different. Another person.

Park Kyung feels himself falling in love with this person, the man who used to be the boy he called his best friend. He is falling in love with the new hunger in those eyes, the experience. He used to like Jiho's passion, now he is in love with his greed. He used to like his creativity, now he is in love with his productivity. He used to like his sense of teamwork, now he is in love with his cold aggression.

Jiho, new Jiho, can still read him like a book. "You are so beautiful, Park Kyung. You understand, don't you?"

Kyung lets Jiho's hand go and takes that soft face between both of his hands. They used to kiss back then, but never like this, never so desperately, thoroughly. It isn't sloppy anymore, nor is it painful. It is almost artificially perfect in technique, and yet so true in their new feelings; Kyung wants to devour the traces of his old best friend, wants to enjoy what's left only to start with what there is now.

Finally, moaning due to the loss of contact, Jiho lets go and grabs Kyung's way too tacky dress shirt, pulls it up, kisses his chest. When he bites possessively, he doesn't leave marks

 _(on Kyung's_ body _)_ ,

he doesn't draw blood, and yet he makes Kyung so much more his than he ever was. Kyung feels Jiho's hands everywhere, and he has to laugh, not because it's fun, but because it's new, better, so much more meaningful. Jiho pulls him down and Kyung arches his back, wants to feel as much of the other person as he can without already having it all. Jiho finds the soft curve of Kyung's ass, and it (still) fits perfectly into his hand, but he is not immediately kneading, pulling, he's just holding, pushing Kyung down in fear he might leave again.

Kyung wishes Jiho would never let him go again.

He realizes he is someone new as well, because Jiho would never have looked at him like this earlier, this is not only want and fondness. Jiho flips them over and it's Kyung who lies under him now, who pulls off his pants on his own when Jiho undresses himself quickly. They don't need to put up a show, to seductively strip in front of each other, they just need the touch, the looks afterwards. Jiho softly kisses Kyung's sides, buries his face in hair under Kyung's navel that hasn't been there before, sucks on Kyung's cock that has visited other places before finally coming home again.

Kyung throws his head back, clings on shorter, blond locks. Jiho takes his time, but Kyung is nowhere near coming, he just enjoys the full, plump lips around his dick, the oh so light touches of teeth Jiho knows Kyung loves, the grip around his now fuller thighs that won't leave any bruises. There is no violence, no pain, but much more want and desperation than ever before. The calmness is scary, Kyung won't come now but he has never been more turned on in his life.

Jiho releases Kyung's still rock-hard cock with a plop and just nuzzles the space between his thigh and his hipbone.

"You're gonna turn 23 next week."

"Mmh. What do I get as a birthday gift?"

"I'm gonna give you an early birthday gift now."

Kyung wants to know if Jiho has been yet again one step ahead of him, because a bottle of lube appears from nowhere. Has Jiho always known their relationship would evolve into this? That _they_ will evolve into this? Again, that weird kind of resentment and jealousy bubbles up in Kyung as he watches Jiho spread lube over his fingers.

"I wish you would use those feelings and turn them into something productive," Jiho sighs. He smiles. "You are so bitter. You look sexy when your face is that empty, though, with the angry eyebrows and all." He makes a circle-like gesture with his hand and tilts his head a bit, not looking at Kyung.

There's a knife-sharp edge to those words and Kyung waits to be cut in half by the force that is Woo Jiho. He spreads his leg, expecting it. Jiho settles between them and Kyung stretches his arms out in need of a hug.

"I will pull you down with me in my bitterness," he whispers when Jiho leans down.

Jiho's dick enters Kyung, and he sighs again. "This is only fair, regarding how often you have picked me up in the past," Jiho answers silently. He starts moving, not thrusting, but getting comfortable and Kyung moans. "You know how I fell in love with you?"

Kyung shakes his head and moans again, louder, deeper - Jiho hasn't forgotten the right angle.

Jiho looks down, smoothes away the hair in Kyung's face. His smirk isn't friendly, but loving. "When I realized that there is another side to you than your bright optimism. When I finally understood you aren't just there to pick me up when I'm in a bad mood. When I came to know you're as greedy and jealous, as rotten in many aspects as I am."

Suddenly, he starts thrusting hard and Kyung wails.

"I have fallen in love with you, Park Kyung, when you let me fall during the time I needed you."

Jiho folds up Kyung's legs even more as he pushes down his knees, looking for an even better angle. Kyung screams when Jiho finally hits his sweet spot, barely coughing out the last words before his mind goes completely numb.

"You've done ... t-this to me ... too ..."

He clings to Jiho's now-broad shoulders, understanding they've both hit the bottom and lie on it now, as new people. Jiho's sweat is dripping down onto Kyung's face as he gets fucked thoroughly, he eagerly tries to spread his legs even more, to let Jiho go even deeper. He wants to feel all of this new person, this new feeling.

"Eager, huh?" Jiho rasps.

Kyung doesn't blush when he looks up to his lover. "Very. Keep... fucking me."

Jiho obliges.

The hotel room isn't empty, doesn't feel empty; it's hot and so dark, moans and pleas fill the once-hollow silence. Obscene slapping noises follow a strict rhythm, they make music, the adult way.

Every thrust is on point and deep, every moan is desperate and beautiful, Jiho is so deep in Kyung, Kyung feels like losing his mind when his head lolls back without any control whatsoever, only going up and down the sheets with forceful movements; Jiho's speech is down to basic growling, he keeps his lover in place only to penetrate him more and deeper; not violently, but so decisive, goal-oriented.

Kyung doesn't even have to tug three times at his cock before coming, and Jiho follows shortly afterwards. They only lie down for a bit, to catch their breaths, before Jiho goes to the bathroom and comes back clean, with a washcloth. He carefully cleans Kyung's belly before he gently rolls him over and cleans up the mess between those still-shaking, beautiful thighs. He leans down and kisses the spot right above Kyung's butt - a gesture he would never have done before. It's slow, it's deliberate and calculated - yet not dishonest.

Not at all.

"Can I help you with your songs, Kyunggie?"

"... yeah."

"You know you can't do without me?"

Kyung turns around and smiles sincerely. Not as bright as before, not as cute, but so much more beautiful to Jiho than ever before.

"As much as you can't do without me, _Zico_."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Phew, thank you for reading. This is my first ~real~ kpop fic, probably even my first rpf fic... I don't know how I feel about that. Hmm. 
> 
> I hope you liked it! If you did, some feedback would be much appreciated. 
> 
> If you want to, you can check out my blog, dokidokiharahara.tumblr.com. 
> 
> (Oh and this isn't what I think about the real people that are Park Kyung and Woo Jiho AT ALL, since I can't even make assumptions about their characters based on variety shows, interviews and the micro-conversations I had with them during a fan meeting. So, y'know, just for entertainment purposes!)


End file.
